Almost four years ago when I was still in college and going through my first round of IVF I started a blog right here on WordPress. Last night I couldn’t sleep and thought to search for it, and find it I did.
I found the words and wishes of my 28-year-old self, I found comments from other women whom I never met that offered kindness and compassion as I undertook a difficult journey to become a mom after six failed pregnancies. As I read those words, mine and theirs all the emotions flooded right back even though I am in a very different space. I lot has changed since that very first blog, and I feel immense guilt for not keeping in touch will those women who supported me, prayed for me, shared in my grief and in joy.
I wish I could open that blog, pick up right where I left off which was about 18 weeks in to my pregnancy but I can’t, I wasn’t honest enough with my writing as I was not yet mature enough to be completely honest with myself. Over the past four years I have grown up enough to accept that I am not perfect, by far. I don’t have a dream bloggers picture perfect Instagramable life. Hell, I don’t even have Instagram but I’m thinking of opening one today for the purpose of this blog. The point is this leads me to start from scratch in a truly authentic way and that feels amazing.
SO, today, after preparing breakfast for my 3-year-old boy, OK let me stop right there. I didn’t “Prepare” shit. In my mommy dreams I made a breakfast that was equal parts delicious, nutritious and beautiful to look at. In real like Maverik ate a last nights chicken nugget off his Pottery Barn table that I still have two payments left on. Technically he only ate half, I grabbed it before he could finish and handed him a bag of sliced apples and a juice box.
As my husband whom I have been with for 15 years but just finally married 9 months ago takes Mav to school because I am a chronic over-sleeper and as I stated I was up late last night reading a blog from four years ago. I self sooth my guilt about breakfast with thoughts of what we pay in tuition and the fact that it more than most mortgages. Those “Good Christians” as we lovingly/sarcastically refer to the staff of his private christian preschool should give him breakfast, as long as it’s not eggs. He’s allergic to those.
OK, back to the story of MY “eggs”. When I arrive at the office this morning I receive a call from my RE’s office informing me that my remaining embryos will be biopsied and the samples sent off to Genesis Genetics one week from today. This means in about two weeks I will know if I have any little girls in that batch. How exciting!! This brought me to a couple of conclusions
1) I should probably tell my husband whose motto is “One and Done” that we are officially TTC.
2) Today would be a good day to start that blog.