“It doesn’t matter, just as long as it’s healthy” this was always my response throughout my first pregnancy when questioned if I desired a boy or girl. I was answering truthfully, to a degree. I did really crave a daughter, lace, bows, and pink but after six Ectopic pregnancies and a round of IVF just to even be asked this question it frankly did not matter. I would let fate and the Gods decide. Almost four years later I have a lovely, naughty, sweet little boy who I would not trade for anything. He loves his mother sincerely and tells me at least once a day “mommy you beautiful” and I melt and thank all the Gods, count all my lucky stars and float back to earth in three seconds flat. I’m so happy to have a Son I look forward to nurturing our relationship over the seasons that come. It has been and I know will continue to be a wonderful experience.
I have decided to have my remaining embryos tested for gender because, the yearning for lace and bows lingers. I say, “lace and bows” but it’s so much bigger, deeper and life altering than that. The relationship I have with my mother, who also has two sons is one I cannot easily out into words. Please note that I have two dads, my biological and my bonus who together loved, treasured and spoiled me beyond measure. But “my girl” that’s my Ace, we are confidants, allies, friends, soulmates.
Throughout my almost 32 years on this earth there has been no one more consistent in their love and acceptance of me. Of course, we experienced those rough teenage years but even then, there was always this connection that ran so deep. I have never been more honest, trusting, giving and myself with anyone then I am with her.
Together, we have laughed over watered-down tea served out of a little girl’s finest china, during the frequent tea parties of my childhood. Together, we have gossiped over champagne and scones, on as many occasions as we have cried into our Jack Daniel’s and diet coke. She has accepted blame when it was not hers to own, she has celebrated every victory and supported me through every failure. Never judging me, never holding me back, always there, sometimes taking the lead and sometimes in the shadows.
Together, we have pursed my passions and interest, when I was struggling in college she would sit in the library with me in the middle of the night as I studied. When I needed a change of scenery she left my dad and brothers and ran away with me for two months, one spent in Clearwater and one in Hilton Head. Those eight weeks remain one of the best times of my life, we cooked and read books and just relished being alone, together. When I was unmarried and still in college and told her IVF was the only way to help mend my broken heart she helped me pay for it and gave me shots in the ass even though needles are one of her only fears.
Together, we found our truest selves and each other. I wonder exactly who I would be if not for her, and who would she be if not for me. So, no it’s not just about bows and lace, it’s about that connection between mother and daughter that is my purest example of unconditional love and acceptance. It’s about my desire to live that journey again, this time from my mother’s perspective that’s what I crave.
Bows and Lace are just a Bonus.